If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
