Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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