i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
