I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
