When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
