when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize