if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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