i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
