Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
