No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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