I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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