I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
