look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
