My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
