I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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