I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
