I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
