it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
