I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket