wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"