You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.