i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
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nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
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Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia