she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
