Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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