Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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