Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
