she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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