Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.