Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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