ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry