True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
