Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Are we still banned from the library?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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