Please don't use social media to get back at me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
