If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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