why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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