my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
