just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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