Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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