I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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