I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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