bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
