Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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