Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
