I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
