My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
