I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
