Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
