the condom got lost in my hair
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
