it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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