3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
