I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
your like the ambassador to my penis.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
