Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
