i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
