My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize