I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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