the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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