her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
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He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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