Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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